


Penny In A Jar

by robron_til_the_end



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: M/M, Prison, Separations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-24
Updated: 2017-02-27
Packaged: 2018-09-26 15:32:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9908858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robron_til_the_end/pseuds/robron_til_the_end
Summary: Canon compliant. I took an idea and ran with it! The first weekend apart while Aaron is in prison. Self harm mentions, but nothing too serious.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Minor mentions of self harm here as a warning.

 

It’s the first weekend when it really hits Robert hard. Aaron’s not coming home. The pub seems so empty without him, and Robert doesn’t even have the distraction of work as it’s Saturday. Yesterday Aaron called, but Robert missed it, because he called the pub. He spoke to Chas which Robert knows he shouldn’t feel bitter about, because Aaron’s last twenty four free hours were most definitely about him getting to be selfish with Aaron. He shouldn’t feel bitter, but he does. They’re supposed to be on their honeymoon, not separated like this and it hurts so much. No amount of preparing could ever prepare Robert for this empty loneliness. And the fear of what Aaron’s going through inside.

“What’re you doing?” Robert asks Chas in the back room. There are empty bottles everywhere, on every surface and a haze of dust in the air. She looks like a woman possessed.

“Cleaning out the cellar,” she says. “So much tat down there, really should get rid of it.” Robert knows a distraction technique when he sees one and he doesn’t argue. However, one clear bottle catches his attention. It’s huge, probably used to distil cider or something like that. He remembers seeing something like this up at the farm when he was younger. If he put a coin in, one for each day that Aaron was away from him, lonely and afraid, how full would the bottle get? The size is about a gallon, and three hundred odd coins so… halfway? Less? When Chas disappears to the cellar again, Robert takes the glass bottle and puts it in their bedroom. Or _his_ bedroom he supposes now, because Aaron’s not here to share it and he won’t be for a while. Robert gets out his wallet and, feeling more than a little stupid and crazy, gathers his lose change. He puts one coin in the jar, and it makes a rattle that is slightly satisfying. But then it fades, because Robert realises it isn’t enough. 

One coin for every day would imply that he only thinks about Aaron once a day and that’s not true. He thinks about Aaron once a minute, or more. The loss, the ache is so clear that he wants to curl up and scream, but he can’t. Because he’s got Liv, and she as good as said that he’s all she’s got now. He promised Aaron he would look after her so he cannot afford to fall apart. Robert sticks another coin in the bottle. It doesn’t really help, but one things for sure. It doesn’t hurt either.

* * *

 

Aaron has all this time and nothing to fill it with. He can’t talk to anyone, there’s no one to talk to about the thoughts that are crowding in his head, begging to get out. So much has happened this last week. He was happy, he got married to the love of his life, then he ended up here. Even though he’d known it was going to happen, it did not make it any easier. He missed the feel of Robert’s body already. He’d got used to it. The warmth of him, the strength that made Aaron know that even when he himself fell down, Robert would be there for him. To help him. And now… he’s trapped without that.

He understood why Robert did their wedding day like that. It was a way of showing Aaron that he’d be there for him, no matter what, and no matter how long. And Aaron appreciates that more than he’d ever be able to find the words to tell him.

It’s Saturday and he’s counting down to visiting on Wednesday already. Is this what his life will be like? An endless cycle of silence with his thoughts clambering to get out of his head, living for those precious half an hour of contact he’ll get with his family each week? And it won’t be the same because he won’t be able to touch them, he won’t allow himself that.

Prison is not the place to be openly gay, and he won’t risk it, because he wants to get home to his husband in one piece. Which means he won’t get to touch Robert for a year. He doesn’t get to feel his husbands skin for an entire _year._ The thought makes him feel sick and he doesn’t know how he’ll cope with that. Let alone pretending to be straight. He’s not hidden his sexuality for years, if someone has an issue with it, it’s their problem not his. Since he became comfortable with himself, he always felt that, but here…

Prison’s not fun, it’s not meant to be, but it’s the separation from the people in his life that will hurt him the most. And he can’t even verbalise how much he misses his husband, because he doesn’t want to risk having several teeth knocked out. Right now, he’s alone in his cell and he wants to talk to Robert. But the queues for the phone are huge and he doesn’t want to stand with a bunch of other strangers, most of whom are probably violent and just as desperate to talk to their own loved ones. And violent desperation is not something he wants to mix with, so he stays in his cell and instead picks up a piece of paper and a pen before lying back down in bed, thinking. Paper is one thing they are allowed without much persuasion. What damage can inmates do with pieces of paper?  
Back when he’d had a counsellor, Aaron knows he would be proud, actually considering writing down his thoughts instead of hurting himself over them, over the agony that they sometimes cause him. It takes a while for him to make any mark on it, and when he does, all he does is write the letter R. He doesn’t want to write Robert’s name in case anyone finds this, R could mean anyone.

 _I miss you_. Aaron writes that down, then feels that is so inadequate because just missing him isn’t how he feels. It’s a hole deep inside his heart that Robert should fill, a part of him that's missing. But words were never Aaron’s strong point, he usually expressed himself better with his fists, which is why he was in this situation in the first place, he reminded himself. And it’s not like anyone other than him would ever read this, so he bravely carries on. _I took my wedding ring off. They’ve got it with my personal effects which’ll be released when I get out. But I feel so bad for losing it, and I keep rubbing the skin where it should be. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that. It’s one thing of yours that I have and I willingly gave it up?_ Aaron looks at the words, pen hovering over them, almost itching to scratch them out. He didn’t do emotion like this, but his finger on his left hand was starting to itch, he’d been rubbing at the bare skin so much. He had to stop that, he knew, because continuing to press against sore skin was only one small step from self harming, and if he did that so soon, he’d never get out of here.

 _You thinking of me?_ That he does cross out. It’s still legible beneath the line, but it feels wrong, too desperate too quickly. _Four days until I can see you. I want you to make me laugh again because I haven’t smiled since our wedding day_. Aaron stops, dropping the pen with a sigh. He rereads what he managed to get down and it’s almost laughable. Disjointed and broken, pathetic. But something inside him doesn’t allow him to tear it up. It helps to almost know that Robert is feeling the same. Is he feeling the same? Aaron folds up the sheet of paper and sticks it under his mattress. No one can find that.

On his visit, he asks Robert to send him an empty note book. Because he has no one to talk to in this place except himself, and his thoughts are rushing to get out. Robert looks curious, but agrees.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was overwhelmed with the positive reviews to ch 1 so I've done a few more. I really thought I had more to say about Robert in this fic, but it turns out Aaron's the louder voice at the moment! More will be coming, and thank you.

**A few weeks later.**

The bottom of the glass bottle is covered in a medium layer of one and two p coins when Liv asks what the rattling from his room is every night over breakfast. “Nothing.”

“Don’t lie,” she says narrowing her eyes. “It sounds like you’re robbing an arcade every day.”

“I erm…” Robert feels embarrassed. It’s a stupid thing, it’s not even really helpful, it’s just become a habit. “Whenever I think of Aaron, I put some money in a spare bottle I found a few weeks ago. It’s stupid, I just… don’t mention it to any one.”

“Oh,” she says, trying to absorb this. “Well, it makes me feel better knowing you’re not stealing out of the pub till.” Robert smiles at her.

“I can’t see Aaron next week,” Robert says. “Vic and Adam are taking me out for my birthday, and she’s rather insistent. He knows, told me to enjoy myself. But I feel guilty. But will you visit Aaron? I don’t like not seeing him.”

“Yeah,” Liv said. “Paddy can take me, right?” Robert nods. “Tell him if it helps, I feel really guilty.” Liv smiles slightly.

“I’ll tell him you’re a soppy git who’s been driving me up the wall,” Liv says, Robert smiles at her.

* * *

 

It doesn’t take long for them to slowly move some things into the house. The structural stuff is done, but neither him nor Liv really want to make a move to actually _moving_   in without Aaron. They actually have a kitchen table and Robert puts the glass bottle in the centre of it, adding a couple of coins as he does so.

When he next visit’s the house, to look and mentally debate what carpet they should have for the living room, he looks at the jar. There’s a fifty p coin resting on top of all the coppers. Without asking, Robert knows it’s from Liv. He never puts that high a coin in, because he’d quickly go broke with the amount he thinks about Aaron. He smiles at that, pleased that Liv doesn’t think he’s being completely stupid. They're in this together.

* * *

 

As time has slowly gone by, Aaron’s finding it easier to write his thoughts down. No one has discovered his habit, and it lets him be freer and easier with what exactly he writes. His first disjointed sentences have changed into letting his mind wander and not thinking too hard about what he puts down on paper. Though he still crosses certain things out, when he thinks they sound too daft.

_It’s your birthday today and I’m not with you. I won’t even see you. I did tell Adam to make sure you had a good day though, with him and Vic, not focusing on me all the time, so I suppose I only have myself to blame._

The forced quiet of the sobs from the other bunk bed distract him and he changes the subject. _My cell mate can’t stop crying today. He’s just found out his girlfriend who he’s repeatedly told me is the love of his life is sleeping with his brother. It makes me think of you. I spent so much time worrying you’d go with someone else, and a part of me still thinks you will. It’s been so long and I miss you. If you did sleep with someone else, I’d want to know. Not to leave you, it would be the lying and the wondering that would drive me mad. Though thinking of someone else touching your skin makes me want to scream._

Aaron sighs, wondering if he should rip that page out. Aaron would want to know the truth, but Robert would be offended that he’d even think it. But then, this is for himself, this is his own way of coping and it’s all he has to get through this difficult time. Robert never has to see this. He hasn’t hurt himself yet, and that surprises himself. Hurting has always been the way he copes, how he channels his negative energy and to know that pouring his thoughts out through a pen is stopping them from breaking through his skin helps. So he leaves it in. If he starts monitoring and editing what he says, his fingernails will start cutting into his palms and that will start a downhill spiral no one wants.

No one was interested in his notebook, his own private thoughts, so he gets a little bolder _. I miss the taste of you_. He does, so badly. He aches for Robert in so many ways, not least the physical, though that’s certainly there. _I miss your irritating smirk. I miss the way Liv rolls her eyes at the pair of us. Is the house ready? I’ll repaint it if you pick that God awful green I told you I hated._

Aaron pauses and looks at the walls of his cell, unsure of what else to say. _This would be so much more fun if I were locked in a cell with you._ The words find themselves on the paper before he even willed them there.

 _I’m dreaming of those days we were trapped in hotel rooms during the affair. How could I have been so selfish? At the time I hated the fact I only had you for a matter of hours before you went home to your wife, but now that feels so stupid. What I wouldn’t give to have you to myself in a private room for one night right now. I had you for uninterrupted hours and I was so ungrateful all I could think was I’d be losing you in the morning._ He underlines the word hours to emphasis it and shuts his notebook sharply. This is too painful a line of thought to be going down. He gives up, hiding the book for now. There’s always more time tomorrow.


	3. Chapter 3

_I need a photo of you to keep me going but I can’t have one. It’s too much of a risk to be found, because the photo I’d choose would be of our wedding day. The happiest day of my life, don’t ever doubt it. Even if we‘re way too messy to make it work when I finally do get out, it will still be the best day of my life._  Aaron thinks before carrying on. _I do sometimes think too much will have happened and you’ll have moved on. I know I’m paranoid and the look on your face when you visit me tells me otherwise but I still worry._

“You’re always writing,” Ethan says. “Drafting the next Harry Potter are you?” He laughs at his own joke and Aaron doesn’t totally ignore him. It’ll get him wondering if he does.

“Got to do something to keep me busy,” he says, debating how curious Ethan is. He might have to start being more careful. “Not like there’s much better to do around here is there?”

“Fair point,” Ethan says. “Anyone waiting for you when you get out?”

“I hope so,” Aaron replies honestly. “I miss my sister. She’s fifteen and I… yeah, that’s tough. Her parents aren’t around.”

“Her parents?” Ethan questions. He’s getting nosey, and Aaron doesn’t like this.

“Dad’s dead,” Aaron says shortly. “Different mums.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

“No loss, trust me.”

“My sister’s dead,” Ethan offers, and Aaron can tell it’s a peace offering, an exchange of information.

“I’m sorry,” Aaron says.

“At least you still see your sister at visiting.” Aaron doesn’t answer, because he’s right. There is always that.

* * *

 

 _I miss being touched. Not for sex, though there is that. No, I miss Adam slapping me on the back while laughing, I miss hugs from Liv. I miss being surrounded by people who care. And I miss you most of all. I was still half asleep this morning when I turned to you. I’d had a nightmare, surprise, and I needed you to help me. You’re so good at calming me through them, and I wanted to be held by you._ Aaron sighs, pen hovering over the words. He doesn’t want to admit how much he needs Robert and this is in danger of getting far too emotional.

_I get to see you tomorrow. But I don’t get to touch you, because I want life in here to be as easy as possible. The only thing worse than that would be not seeing you at all. The disappointment on your face when you realise that a hug isn’t coming hurts every time. Not mentioning how badly I want to kiss you. I need to feel your lips against mine, the memories aren’t enough any more. I should stop moaning, this isn’t anyone’s fault but my own._

* * *

 

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Aaron freezes. His cell mate Ethan has his hands all over his notebook, and it’s open and he’s reading it.

“Spot check,” Ethan says. “Guards looking for drugs in the cells. And I got nosey.”

“Give it back or I’ll break that nose of yours,” Aaron says, meaning it. Ethan drops the notebook, hands up in an innocent look.

“Calm down!”

“How much did you read?” Aaron says, relaxing a little bit now he has his precious lifeline back in his hands, safe.

“I didn’t need to,” Ethan says. “You call his name out in your sleep. Robert, right?”

“No, I don’t,” Aaron says, wanting to argue purely on principle.

“The blonde one that keeps visiting you,” Ethan continues, making fear fill Aaron. He hates this feeling, like it‘s something to be ashamed and afraid of. He wants to shout how proud he is that Robert is his husband. “I won’t say anything. Though I wouldn’t have had you down as the type.” Aaron bristles at that, but it isn’t worth the fight. He’s not going to rise to it.

“I just want to keep my head down and get on with it. I’ll be out of here soon and I don’t want trouble,” Aaron says. Ethan just shrugs.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love suggestions as to anything Aaron could put in his notebook, otherwise I'll move onto his release pretty soon, because I'm running out of ideas! Thank you for reading this far.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Didn't think I'd get this chapter finished today, but look at that! Thank you so much for the encouragement on this different kind of fic!

“Hi Bob, the usual please,” Robert says eagerly, typing away on his phone.

“Oh, you’re in a good mood,” Bob says as he makes the coffee. “Good news?”

“Aaron’s coming home in about six weeks,” Robert says pleased. “He’ll be electronically tagged, but he’ll be _home_. Got the approval yesterday.”

“That’s great,” Bob says seriously, handing over two coffees, one for him, one for Liv before school. Apparently she‘s less likely to skive when she‘s got her mocha. “Still want these?” Bob holds up a bag of two p coins that Robert has taken to getting every week.

“Yeah,” he says, taking the plastic bag. “Thanks.” Robert walks home and opens the door, shouting for Liv. He puts their drinks down and empties the plastic bag of coins into a bowl in the middle of their table. They were running low on loose change again, and Robert likes to keep some in the house, for the rapidly filling glass bottle whenever they thought of Aaron. Robert really hopes Aaron is home by the time he has to find another one.

“Liv, I’m not shouting for you for my health!” he calls up the stairs. She tended to listen to Aaron more than him. And there that man is again, interrupting his thoughts. He adds another copper to the bottle.

* * *

 

 _I’m coming home. I’ve been approved for early release, thank God. It’s still been months inside, but I won’t have to serve the entire sentence and I’ll be home in time for Christmas. Well in time. I’ll have that awful tag around my ankle and I‘ll be under curfew, but right now I don’t care. Right now I’d trade a week inside to hold you for an hour._ Aaron scrunches his nose up at that. No, that’s way too emotional and soft, and Robert would tease the hell out of him for that. He’s been toying with the idea lately of letting Robert read some of this. Every week he’s here without fail, every week he comes trying to make the best of it, keeping things light and making Aaron smile. Some weeks, his visits are the only time he does smile. But he’s not sure he’s brave enough to do it. It is intensely personal and private.

“Heard you’re getting out,” Ethan says from the other bed.

“Mm,” Aaron replies. “Six weeks to go.”

“Boyfriend still waiting?” Ethan asks. Aaron’s eyes flick to the closed door, but it’s late and they’re both in bed. No one can overhear. Ethan kept his word, he hasn’t said anything and he could have made the last few months hell on earth for him. Even before he read bits and pieces from Aaron’s notebook, because if he was mumbling Robert’s name in his sleep, it would have become quickly obvious.

“Don’t have a boyfriend,” Aaron grumbles.

“You don’t have to keep up the act with me,” Ethan says. “Half the men in here are just afraid that some gay guy is gonna come onto them.” Aaron rolls his eyes. “I like you. You’re quiet, don’t get in the way. Better than the last guy, probably better than the next.”

“What with standards being so high around here and all,” Aaron says sarcastically.

“So… boyfriend waiting?”

“I haven’t got one,” Aaron repeats. “We’re married.”

“Oh.” That shuts Ethan up for long enough for Aaron to concentrate on his book again. He writes down the thought he had about Robert being the only thing that makes him smile some days. “What’s that like?”

“What, being married, or being married to a bloke?” Aaron asks bluntly. Here is not the place he’d chose to be, discussing the finer points of his sexuality or his relationship. Nor with Ethan either.

“I meant being married,” Ethan says. “I thought about proposing to Leah. Not that it matters now, she’s too busy screwing my brother. Didn’t have a long attention span, that one.”

Aaron thinks, but only one word really comes to mind. “It’s painful,” Aaron says, because right now it is. And he’s had a lot more of “right now” than he had being happily married.

“That doesn’t sound good.”

“It’s the… not being with him that hurts,” Aaron admits. “We didn’t have long before I ended up here.” Aaron remembers their last kiss, in private, hands stroking skin as if trying to commit each other to memory. Robert’s screwed up face saying louder than words ever could “don’t leave me.” He scribbles that down, because though the goodbye hurt like hell at the time (still does in some ways) it’s now a good memory, because he had all of Robert all to himself. He got to bury his face in Robert’s neck, smell him, breathe him in. He can’t quite remember that smell. It isn’t the shower gel, it must be something that’s uniquely Robert underneath it all.

_I can’t remember exactly how your hair feels, the way I grab onto you when you kiss me. I’m losing little bits of you and I hate that. I know I’ll get it back soon. Sooner than soon, but my memory isn’t perfect and I’m forgetting tiny pieces. Then I feel guilty for forgetting. Are there things you’ve forgotten about me? I bet there are._

“You don’t belong here,” Ethan says.

“How’s that?”

“Most of the guys in here will be straight back within a year,” Ethan says and Aaron can almost hear the shrug. “You won’t be though.”

“Not if I can help it,” Aaron says. “Once I have Robert, I’ll be fine.” Aaron thinks that might possibly be the first time he’s said his name outside of sleep or the visiting room.

“What’s so special about him?”

“Are we really going to do this?” Aaron asks. “You’re not interested, and I don't want to talk.” More like he doesn't want to give anyone ammunition.

“Fine. Lets stay in silence on the most uncomfortable mattresses ever created while neither of us can sleep.” Aaron has to smile at that because it’s true. Besides the people he misses so much, one thing he hadn’t counted on missing was a soft bed to sleep on. These must be designed to be uncomfortable. He writes that down before answering Ethan’s question.

“He is the most frustrating, irritating, smug, annoying git I have ever met I my life.”

“Mm. You paint quite a picture there.”

And he’s gorgeous, Aaron thinks to himself. And loving, and strong. And dedicated, and above all else, his. Aaron writes all those words down too.


	5. Chapter 5

_I can’t sleep. I’m turning over in the night, thinking of you. It’s not been this bad since I first got here, and the pain of leaving you so soon after our wedding was awful. This is my last night, and I know I should be asleep, but I can’t. I can only keep writing this is because my eyes have adjusted. And it’s never really dark in prison, either. Tomorrow. Or later today, actually. I can come home. I can’t really believe that, because I’ve been trapped here for so long, home seems like a dream. If I let myself hope too much, when it all goes wrong, I won’t be too disappointed. Though I will be, we both will be. Or if you feel anything like the way I do, you’ll be as gutted as I am. It has to be tomorrow._

Aaron sighs and tries to go to sleep. This isn’t helping him.

* * *

 

“He won’t be released for hours yet, you don’t have to be at the prison bang on nine o’clock,” Liv says, hurrying around for her books.

“Well, I want to be there,” Robert says anxiously. “I can’t wait any longer, I’ll go mad.”

“Do I have to go to school?”

“Yes,” Robert says. “After the amount of processing he’s got to go through, and being fitted with that bloody tag thing, he’ll probably only be here for an hour or so before you get home anyway.”

“So you’re wasting your day up at the prison?”

“Liv, I need him back,” Robert says bluntly. “Sitting waiting for a few extra hours won’t matter. Now come here.” Liv does and Robert hugs her tightly.

“Don’t come home without him,” she warns.

“God, I hope not. Now school.” Robert lets her go and tries to calm himself down. If something goes wrong today, one little glitch in the system and Aaron can’t come home? It’ll completely break him. Almost worse than waiting another three months for him. The hope.

* * *

 

Aaron has no problem confirming any of his details, though he does stumble over the address. He’s not used to saying the Mill when asked that question. He’s searched again, though what he could be smuggling out of prison is anyone’s guess. The few items he’s taking out of prison have been searched through as well, before he’s asked to sign for his possessions he gave up when he was processed months ago. That’s when he gets a problem.

“I’m not signing that, my wedding ring’s not here.” The desk officer sighs and looks through the inventoried list. It’s listed there, but not in the box of his possessions, even after they both look through it. The only thing Aaron would really care to take home with him. It takes another half an hour, and agonising half an hour for them to find it. Every second feels like an hour, because if they don’t find it, Aaron will never forgive himself. For taking it off in the first place, for not keeping it at home where it’s safe. Aaron keeps rubbing the patch of skin on his left hand, the finger where it should be. Robert will kill him if they’ve lost it. Aaron’ll be devastated himself.

“There we are,” the desk officer says, forcing a smile. “Slipped behind the box.” It’s in a clear plastic bag and Aaron can breathe again. He quickly takes it out of the bag and slips it onto his finger, where it belongs. It’s cold, but he is never taking it off again. Aaron signs for his belongings without further comment.

He goes through several corridors, areas of the prison he doesn’t recognise, being led by two guards. Although where he’s meant to run to now that he’s being officially released is an interesting question. Aaron wonders if this prison will ever end, when he goes through another door and before he can so much as blink, someone’s hands are on him. Aaron backs away, before his common sense and memory kicks in. He knows those hands on his waist and it’s Robert’s face in front of him, smiling broadly.

“Oh, it’s you,” Aaron says.

“That’s the reaction I get?” Robert asks, still smiling, his hands still securely on Aaron‘s waist.

“I can go?” Aaron asks the guards with him, and he just gets a nod in his direction. Aaron looks to the door and sees blissfully free fresh air, and doesn’t wait for Robert as he gets outside. He takes a deep breath, closing his eyes.

“Are you okay?” Robert asks and Aaron opens his eyes to see his husbands worried face.

“Yes,” Aaron said. “Very, very okay.” Robert kisses him, and Aaron sinks into it, blissfully. His husband tastes so good, after so long. Robert’s wrapping his body around Aaron, and he feels surrounded and so loved. His hands are strong, his body smells so damn good that it almost drives Aaron‘s senses into overdrive.

“I feel much better now,” Aaron says when they part, smiling, and a matching grin on Robert’s face. “We need to get home.”

“Why?”

“Got to be fitted with my bloody ankle tag,” Aaron says. “They’ll be at the house at three. Apparently. And I really don’t want to be carted back here because I didn’t turn up.”

“Come on then,” Robert says, kissing him once more.

* * *

 

“You took ages,” Robert says as he‘s driving. “I started to wonder if you weren’t going to get out today.”

“They lost my wedding ring,” Aaron says darkly. Robert looks at him in disbelief. “Robert!” Aaron shouts, as he’s stopped paying attention to the road. “I did not serve nine months in prison to die on the way back home in a car crash!”

“Sorry,” Robert says. “You got it?”

“I wasn’t leaving without it,” Aaron says gruffly.

“I’ve missed you.”

“Yeah,” Aaron says, feeling that the words are so inadequate. “Me too. How’s Liv?”

They spend the rest of the car journey talking about life at home, and once the words start, they don’t stop. They talk about Liv, and the house, and Adam and Vic. And Chas, and life at home.

They stop talking when Robert parks outside the house, Robert waiting for Aaron’s reaction. The last time he’d seen the Mill it’d been covered with scaffolding, not nearly habitable. Now it was a house, a home Aaron had never been in.

“Do you hate it already?” Robert asks seriously.

“It feels… weird,” Aaron says. “I know you said you were living here with Liv, but in my head it still looked the same as before. You know?”

“I get it,” Robert says softly, and he does. As much as both of them wanted it to, time didn’t stand still while Aaron was in prison.

“So, what first?” Robert asks, a teasing note to his voice. “The house or me?”

Aaron grins, leaving him in no doubt which “catch up” will be the more important. “Just… point me in the right direction for the bedroom.”

Robert smiles widely, laughing a little under his breath. “C… oh, you’ve got to be kidding me.” They both look around and a van’s driven up, clearly the people who’re fitting Aaron’s tag.

“Let’s get it over with,” Aaron says. But that doesn’t stop him from leaning over the car and kissing Robert slowly and sensually. They have a lot of time to make up for after all.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A long chapter here, but I didn't want to break it up. Enjoy!

“If you can hurry up, I haven’t kissed my husband in nine months,” Robert says impatiently. Aaron’s sitting on a chair in their new house, the kitchen, ankle propped up as he’s fitted with his tag. The woman attaching it can’t stop smiling at the pair of them and Aaron finds he no longer cares if he kisses Robert in front of the entire country. He’s his husband, he can kiss him as often as he likes.

“You two’re acting like a couple of newlyweds,” the woman says, amused.

“I suppose we are,” Aaron says with a smile to Robert. “Though a nine month prison spell wasn’t exactly the honeymoon I had in mind.” Robert grins, and completely ignoring the woman at his ankle, Robert kisses Aaron again, lingeringly.

“Right, that’s done,” she says. “My colleagues just finishing fitting the monitoring unit, we’ll check it’s all operational then we can go.”

“Perfect,” Robert says fervently.

“All the information is there,” she says, handing him a leaflet. “Now the boring stuff that I have to tell you. The tag is completely water proof, and if you cut it off, we’ll know, no matter what you might read on the internet. You need to be within this house between 8pm and 8am. If you’re not, the monitor will pick it up, the police will be alerted and a warrant issued for your arrest. You‘ll serve out the rest of your term in prison, plus probably get extra time for absconding. Or tampering with the equipment.”

“I’ll be here,” Aaron says darkly.

“Mm, getting you all to myself for twelve hours every night. Whatever shall we fill the time with?” Robert teases. Aaron blushes slightly, but he doesn’t disagree and the woman laughs.

“We’ll be back in three months to take it off.”

“Goodbye then,” Robert says way too brightly.

“Would you shut up?!” Aaron says to his husband. “They’re only doing their jobs.” 

Robert shrugs, completely unashamed. They only take another five minutes before they declare the equipment up and running, and leave the house. In the meantime Aaron’s eyes have been scanning over the kitchen, drinking it in. “Where were we?” Robert asks.

“We have about an hour before Liv gets home from school,” Aaron reminds him. “An hour’s not enough.”

“An hour is a hell of a lot more than we have been getting,” Robert says and Aaron softens to him.

“I know. Believe me, I know.” The desperation to get each other naked as soon as possible has changed into something else, something more meaningful and Robert holds Aaron’s head in his hands, staring into his eyes.

“I love you so much,” Robert says, his eyes damp. “I love you,” he repeats. Aaron knows it’s the freedom to say it, now they’re not confined to a visiting room with a hundred other people.

“I love you,” Aaron replies. Not because it’s what’s expected to say, but because he feels it so much, deep inside and he hasn’t been able to say it in so long. Robert kisses him so softly, Aaron groans with the want for more. Robert pulls a chair up next to Aaron

“Do you hate the kitchen then?” he asks, trying to keep the subject light.

“It’s fine,” Aaron says. It is, and they probably didn’t lose much from him not being here to direct the décor. Robert starts rambling about things he’d done, decisions he’s made and Aaron doesn’t care. Or not right now. He covers Robert’s mouth with his hand to shut him up.

“Robert, it doesn’t matter. Take me to bed.” Robert smiles against Aaron’s hand and doesn’t argue.

* * *

 

They don’t have sex. They don’t even undress each other, not really, both of them aware that Liv’ll be home imminently. Neither of them particularly want to be caught in the throes, and Aaron wants to see Liv too. So Robert and Aaron lay in bed, holding each other and stroking each others bodies through their clothes, almost like they’re relearning each other. And then they hear the door slam and an almighty screech.

“Aaron!!!” Aaron’s face breaks out into a huge smile and Robert rolls his eyes.

“I think I might be a little bit offended that you’re more pleased to see her than me,” Robert says as Aaron gets up and races down the stairs. Aaron wraps Liv in an incredibly tight hug, Liv smiling into his chest.

“You’re home,” she says.

“I am,” Aaron says. “And I’m telling you, I will never leave you, or him again.”

“Mm,” Liv says, smiling as Aaron strokes her hair.

“You been taking care of him?”

“Kind of,” she says. Aaron lets her go and smiles at her again. “How about we all have dinner at the pub?” Aaron suggests.

“Bit early for dinner,” Liv says.

“Yeah, well I now have a curfew,” Aaron says. “And I want a drink. And mum’ll want to see me, and Adam. So that’ll take a while.”

“Dinner,” Robert agrees. “Come on.”

* * *

After the meal, Aaron bites his bottom lip. “Liv, would you mind doing me a favour?” Aaron asks, knowing he needs to, but feeling a little uncomfortable asking. “Or us a favour. Could you stay here tonight?”

“Yeah, I’ve arranged to stay at Gabby’s,” she says. “I overheard your wedding night, no wish to live through that again.”

“I’ve been home five minutes and you’re embarrassing me already?” Aaron asks as Robert laughs.

“We should go home actually,” Robert says, looking at his watch. Liv almost giggles over the table.

“I can stay out later than you now,” she teases.

“Don’t get used to it,” Aaron says, ruffling her hair. He hugs his mum once more before leaving and going home.

* * *

 

Yeah, they’ve still got it. They’ve had sex twice and both of them are feeling sated and exhausted and happy.

“I’ve got something for you,” Aaron says.

“Oh, are we not done?” Robert teases.

“Hang on,” Aaron says with a smile. He leaves the bedroom and Robert closes his eyes, almost dozing. It’s been a long time since they were together, and it’s been thrilling and desperate and perfect. When he comes back, Robert opens his eyes and frowns. Aaron looks uncomfortable and he’s clutching a book. Aaron sits on the edge of the bed, pulling a sheet over himself before speaking.

“This is the most… personal thing I think I’ve ever owned. And if you want to, I’d like you to read it.”

“What is it?” Robert asks, hearing the waver in Aaron’s voice, seeing the nervous twitching of his hands, the biting of his bottom lip. To Robert, right now, it just looks like a tatty notebook, well used and battered. 

“It’s how I coped inside,” Aaron says. “I wrote down what I was thinking and feeling. It stopped me from losing my mind, it stopped me from turning my bad thoughts on myself. It’s… me in a book, I guess.” 

“You want me to read this?” Robert asks in surprise, taking it from him, but looking at Aaron‘s face.

“If you want,” Aaron says still nervous. “Most of it’s about you anyway. A bit of Liv, a bit of me, a lot of you. Too much of you really.”

“Why’re you so nervous then?”

“Who did you speak to when you missed me?” Aaron asks.

“Liv,” Robert says. “Chas sometimes. Vic and Adam a lot of the time.”

“Well… I had no one to speak to when I missed you. And I missed you all the time. I wrote it down, everything I was feeling. I’m not good with words, I’m never able to tell you how you make me feel, because you give me that look and I have nothing to say. It‘s in there. I mean, it‘s not grand or anything, it‘s just… me.”

“I won’t read it if you don’t want me to,” Robert says. He can see Aaron isn’t exactly comfortable handing his innermost thoughts over, but Aaron shakes his head.

“I do want you to. Just not sure you’re going to like it all.” Aaron sighs heavily. “I’m going to have a shower.”

* * *

 

Robert is about a third of the way through when he realises he’s marvelling at Aaron’s brain. At the priceless value of what he has in his hands. The hesitancy which had been over every page at the beginning has faded from Aarons words, and he’s writing everything he thinks without revision. It’s an incredible stream into Aaron’s consciousness that he’s never had before. Never will again most likely. Aaron has never been open with his words, but here it’s like he’s had to be. Robert stops reading when he can feel Aaron, hesitating by the door.

“I’m not nearly through it,” Robert says as his husband looks like he’s waiting for the verdict. “You wrote this over nine months, it’ll take me more than one night to read.”

“I got a bit… rambling and messy in places,” Aaron says defensively.

“It’s perfect,” Robert says and Aaron looks down embarrassed.

“It’s how I coped,” Aaron says, shifting. “You don’t have to…”

“If you take that away from me now, I’m going to lock you in a room until I’ve finished the whole damn thing,” Robert says, and Aaron smiles slightly.

“I’ve been locked in enough rooms.” Robert wants to kick himself for his poor choice of words. “It’s not too…? I don’t know.”

“I love it,” Robert says. “I love seeing into your mind, the things you don’t say.”

“There’s another one.” Robert looks up from Aaron’s words eagerly, hungrily. “Another book. I had a lot of time and I ran out of paper.”

“Where?”

“You haven’t finished that one yet,” Aaron says.

“I don’t care, I’m getting it from you before you change your mind,” Robert says quickly. Aaron laughs. 

“Put it down,” Aaron says gently. “I want my husband to hold me as I fall asleep.” Knowing he can’t refuse an offer like that, Robert closes the notebook and pulls Aaron to him. He has time to read the rest of it.

* * *

 

Aaron wakes to a single lamp light, and he feels disorientated. Robert’s hand is stroking his back gently, rhythmically, and Aaron instinctively knows it’s the middle of the night. His head is on Robert’s chest and he squints up at him against the light.

“What’re you doing?”

“Reading,” Robert says. Aaron looks and in his other hand is Aaron’s notebook, that Robert is slowly devouring.

“I shouldn’t have given that to you,” Aaron says, embarrassed.

“I’m so glad you did,” Robert tells him. “I’m glad you wrote it, I’m delighted that you trusted me enough to read it.”

“Mm,” Aaron says, unconvinced, closing his eyes and attempting to find sleep. If Robert wants to read it in bed with him, he doesn’t have to watch.

“I have a question though.” Aaron opens his eyes as Robert flicks back a few pages. “There’s two pages ripped out here. What did they say?” Aaron looks at the small jagged edges the paper had left in his notebook when he’d torn them out.

“Nothing.”

“Don’t lie,” Robert says. “With all the personal stuff that actually is in here, what would make you tear something out?”

“It was…” Aaron swallows uncomfortably which is ridiculous given that he can still feel Robert’s touch over every inch of his body. “It got a bit… er… explicit, I guess. I didn’t want anyone else finding it so I thought better of it and I tore it out.”

“What did it say?” Robert asks, grinning broadly and now even more curious.

“You’ve got a great imagination,” Aaron says. “Sure you’re up to the challenge.”

“Go on,” Robert urges. “Please. For me.”

“I’m only letting you read it in the first place because it’s you,” Aaron says, but Robert still looks expectant. “It started with something like… Oh God, I can’t believe you’re making me say this… I woke up hard, dreaming of you.”

“Oh, keep going,” Robert teases, needing to hear more.

“No,” Aaron says. “The dream was France.”

“Before you go too far down that route, we haven’t actually been to France together,” Robert warns, almost worrying that he’s thinking about someone else.

“No, but you called every night when I was there alone,” Aaron reminds him. “I dreamt of your voice. A lot.”

“And what was I telling you to do?” Robert asks, his voice much lower and seductive.

“No, I’m done talking,” Aaron says, feeling far too vulnerable. “You want more, keep reading.”

“Oh, I intend to,” Robert says. He kisses the top of Aaron’s head and returns to the notebook.

“You’re not going to sleep?” Aaron asks.

“Why waste time?” Robert counters. “You sleep though, I’ll keep you safe.” Aaron smiles at the reassuring words and does, closing his eyes.

* * *

 

The next time he wakes, Robert is crying, though he’s pretending not to be. Aaron looks at the page that caught his attention and swallows uncomfortably. All it says on the entire page is “I’m scared.”

“The explanations on the next page.”

“I’ve read it.” The explanation was that an openly gay lad had been badly beaten by six men and taken out of prison and to intensive care. It had been touch and go whether he’d make it, though he had, with a reduced sentence after it went back to court. Aaron remembers what he’d written next. That he was jealous, because this other man might have had to have a kidney removed and a broken arm in three places, but he was home with his family now.

“It would have been worth a kidney to get back to you,” Aaron says, feeling comfortable enough to speak, as Robert’s in the middle of reading his deepest thoughts anyway. “Already screwed up my liver, what’s one more organ, eh?”

“Aaron…”

“You need some sleep,” Aaron says. “I won’t take it away from you, you can put it down.” Robert reluctantly does, because his eyes are itching with tiredness.

“Thank you,” Robert says quietly, and he hugs Aaron to him once more.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not thrilled with this ending, but it had to end somewhere! Thank you so so much for all the Kudos and comments, it's made me write this whole story super quick!

“Wow,” Liv says, coming into the kitchen the next morning, seeing Robert sitting at the kitchen table. “It’s early and you’re already dressed and awake? Aw, burnt out already?”

“Don’t be cheeky,” Robert says without looking up from the notebook he‘s pouring over. “Aaron’s still in bed.”

“Can I wake him up?” Liv asks.

“Like your elephant steps up the stairs won’t wake him anyway,” Robert says, smiling slightly. They didn’t have the time to test the theory, because Aaron appeared in the kitchen, dressed and happy.

“Hello trouble,” he says warmly to Liv, giving her a hug. Robert sighs but closes the book, instinctively knowing Aaron won’t want Liv reading it and putting it in the kitchen drawer.

“Let’s have a look then,” Liv says and Aaron looks blankly at her. “I’ve never seen an ankle tag before.” Aaron rolls his eyes but doesn’t argue, sitting down and letting Liv have a gawp.

“How long’ve you got to have that on?” she asks.

“Three months.”

“Wow, new years eve’s going to be boring for you,” she says, teasing him. Aaron ruffles her hair.

“I was just grabbing my school bag. I need to go,” Liv says. Robert and Aaron let her go, watching her rush around the house as they wait for her to leave.

“How far’d you get?” Aaron asks when they’re alone, sitting opposite Robert and wrapping his hands around the coffee Robert had already made for him.

“I’ve nearly finished the first one.”

“Robert…” Aaron starts uncomfortably. “You weren’t meant to read it all in one night. You’ve barely slept.”

“I slept.”

“Your eyes are red,” Aaron counters. “I know you didn’t sleep much.” He reaches across the table and squeezes Robert’s hand.

“I was going to tell you what I did when I missed you,” Robert says. ”But in comparison, it seems so pointless.”

“Go on,” Aaron says, wanting to know.

“The bottle on the table,” Robert says, turning Aaron’s attention to it. It’s very nearly full of change.

“Are you that tight that you’re saving every penny you find on the street?” Aaron jokes. Then sees that Robert isn’t laughing. “What is it?”

“Every time I thought of you, I put a coin in there,” Robert says, looking at the table, feeling embarrassed. Maybe a shadow of how vulnerable Aaron had felt, handing Robert the notebook last night. Robert had always known Aaron was the stronger of the two of them, something the last year had only confirmed.

“That’s…” Aaron tails off. “Robert, that bottle’s huge.”

“Yeah,” he says. “Liv put a few in, a lot actually, so it wasn’t just me, but… I missed you so much. It wasn’t exactly helpful, but as I saw it fill up, I was thinking “well, we’ve made it a month. Or two.” Less time to go until I could touch you again. It’s stupid, it’s… nothing like what you did.” Robert’s still looking down until he feels Aaron’s lips close over his. Robert gives himself up to the beautiful kiss and smiles when they part.

“It’s not stupid,” Aaron says, stroking Robert’s face. “It’s good to know you never forgot me.”

“I couldn’t,” Robert says. “Never.”

“What did you think the spend the money on, then?” Aaron asks. “Must be a good few quid in there.”

“I never let my mind go that far,” Robert tells him. “I wanted you home, that’s as far as I got.”

“I am home,” Aaron says. “And I’m not going anywhere.” Aaron can see that Robert’s near to tears, and he holds him as he cries himself out.

“Sorry,” Robert says, pulling himself together. “I think your book made me more emotional than I thought.” Aaron looks a little unsure of himself now. “You’re incredible, do you know that?”

“No, I’m not,” Aaron says.

“Yes,” Robert replies, stroking his hair gently. “You are. Are you going to keep writing?”

“Er…” Aaron hadn’t thought of that. “Wasn’t planning on it.”

“Oh.”

“You seem disappointed,” Aaron says.

“I feel… like I know you a lot more from reading that.”

“Robert, you’re already the person who knows me the best in the world,” Aaron says. “The words don’t change that.”

“Maybe,” Robert says. “Thank you for sharing them with me.” Aaron kisses him again, this time deep and passionate.

“I should go,” Aaron says. “Been leaving Adam with all the work, I need to show my face.”

Robert sits at the table, watching as Aaron puts his coat on and goes to work. It’s so normal, so beautifully normal that it almost stops his heart. They have time now, and once again their lives together can truly start.


End file.
